My son recently told me that he loved that I still had hopes and dreams. I could take this as a sign that he thinks I’m impossibly old (he is 25) but instead I am choosing to take it at face value. Is it true? I wondered when he said that. It is true.
One of the many things that I have inherited from my father is the sense that it is not impossible that I could one day do something exceptional. Something that would be both personally gratifying and publicly recognized. When I was growing up my father worked on a string of dreams, one after another, some of which were realized and some not. First, to get a PhD. Then, to be a professional opera singer. Later, to win an elected political seat. After, to publish the Great American Novel.
When I was in training to try to become a professional ballet dancer there I wanted not just to dance well, not just to win company positions and roles and be able to make a living in dance, but to be a great dancer. To be a great dancer who was publicly lauded as great. If I’m honest, as embarrassing as this is, my child-self didn’t just want greatness — I wanted to be the greatest dancer who ever lived, a ballerina assoluta. I would even wish for that on a star when I saw one in the night sky overlooking the New York City.
Today I am not quite so bold, and my dreams are tempered by both disappointment and by greater experience with how dreams work. For one thing, I’m now aware that dream realization can bring a sort of backlash from green-eyed monsters. The mortal Arachne, for example, offended the goddess, Hera, by being a bit too good at weaving, for which she was turned into a spider.
And yet, today I am working on a creative project (which will stay secret for now) and I find that I am hoping and dreaming that it might be something that will speak to people and bring them connection and joy. I supposed that is the biggest difference between the child dreamer and the adult one now – I no longer care if people think I’m the best or great in any way in an abstract sense. I do, however, hope and dream about eliciting positive good will. It would also be so wonderful to make something that would affect people the way great art does. I also want to experience it as an appreciator myself and to find it great.
Perhaps this sort of self-friendliness is new. I now think that I might like Aili if I met her out and about. She’s funny and always working on something interesting, even if she is a bit intense.
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